LightingEffects2

2004-11-25T01:56:00.000-08:00

This morning while on the way to sch, i read a little passage in the bible, abt Jesus talking abt the Lady who had 10 silver coins and lost 1, then set out to find it and when she did, she threw a big party inviting all her friends to it celebrating how she found her coin... funny yah? i think its weird celebrating over 1 coin, but i guess anything's possible when you've really appreciated something that you've lost and found again...

Its funny how i'm writing this, cause it didt occur to me to actually note this down, but earlier today when i got home frm sch on the 124, i dropped my favourite pencil whilst walking home,but didnt realise it until like after 5 mins when i looked at my book... i was thinking of forgeting it cos i'd thought someone else mite have already picked it up, it IS a nice pencil after all:D hahaha... so i traced back my steps, walking from my h ouse market to the bus stop.. its was quite funny tho, looking back and tracing back yours steps that you just took, and finally when i got to the bus stop, i saw it on the floor, right in front of everyone, and when i picked it up, this man stared at me like as if never see the pencil there like that:D hahaha.. yahs.. its just cool lah that i found it again, really happy:)....

i feel happy lah now, at least now i can relate to the thing Big "J" was talking abt:D hahaha.. yahs, cool name yea BIG "J";).... so yah, its a happy thingonce you've found something that you've lost, it also goes to show how much you treasure things in life, whether things are worth taking that extra step to finding it again..a t least for me lahs, so yahs.. thats my simple sharing for today:)

have fun ppl, see ya..

fabs...

2004-11-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

What i'm going through today...

Its hard to listen to my heart, especially with my mind telling me stuff to do, things to do that mite affect other things in return, which of course leads to greater things.. then there's also the part whereby it thinks greater things that can be done, what's needed and stuff, even MORE things to do and all.. sheez, there's so many things that my mind thinks of, i can get quite lost sometimes just trying to listen to is:D....

My heart, on the other hand, thinks abt simpler things tho. like for instance, it just says that there's no need to worry so much abt things, that doing what you have to do today is what you have to finish. It doesnt really think like the mind, but i've noticed that its role is actually larger than the mind, though of course it doesnt speak as much but, it is actually making quite a bit of sense..

My heart however, does feel emotions, and these emotions can get quite disturbing at times.. it can change your whole thinking drastically, like almost immediately when you feel hurt, it signals your mind to like think of ways and means to get yourself out of it, like running a roller coaster with a really anxious guy in the control room (WATCH OUT!!!=D) haha.. yea, it can really be a roller coaster ride at times... but then, in those times i've realised that the heart is actually speaking thru everything thats going on, that admist the feeling and stuff, its actually trying to say something, but it can get really soft sometimes.. haiz.. Like for example, when you're having fun at the beach, surfboarding and stuff, or just plain going out for a dive or some car ride or something, there's always this thing telling ya to go have that extra fun, but also at the same time you can almost hear something else sayin that there's a limit to things really.. and i think thats where the heart is actually speaking..

I've realised, that the heart actually speaks the truth abt things, and its no different from me or any other person. Jesus himself said, " if a bad man can give good things to his son, what more the Father in Heaven, would He not give us the Holy Spirit?".. i think with that, it simply means that what they say IS true, that the kingdom of God is within us, in our hearts basically. We love, God loves, and heaven is all abt love, so doesnt that make any sense?:D hahaha.. yeah, its just something i found out today lah, i hope you guys can understand what i'm sayin:)

i feel happy now, for everything. What more could i ask for?:D sounds like the song everything time i say it..but whatever it is, i am happy to have this life, because i get to give.=)

fabs signing out.

2004-11-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

help me

2004-11-17T12:27:00.000-08:00

What i feel inside
this is my all, my everything, i have nothing else to hide.

i think of you everyday, every minute i'm at sch or at home, everywhere i think abt you, there isnt a moment that goes by that i tell myself that i want dont want to talk to you, because i want to, i need you, i just want to be with you so much, even if its just for a fews mins of yr busy time i will take it.. i just need you.
i hurt, and i'm alone. my mum understands me, but there is only so much that she can do for me.. how am i? i am lost. i am so lost that i cant even pick myself up. my results i'm gona pick them up today, and i'm gona die because i know that i've failed another 2 of my subjects, and thats gona cause me even more..can i cry? no, i cant.. simply because no one else in this world is gona hear me anymore.. darren's in camp already, alex has got his own life, mum's at wrk, and i'm just sitting down here at my own comp typing for you, trying my best even up till now just to make sure that you're alright, but am i gng to get anything in return? am i gng to be happy in the end? you said that i dont care, that i'm not listening, that i'm somehow just never there.. but did you, if this book doesnt make it, i'm gona give up on my life? do you know that? you dont know..
you said that you cant study, cant go on doing yr wrk for yr exams.. but did i tell you that i too am gona give up? you told me never to forget my faith.. what faith? a God who doesnt answr my prayers also? what have i not done enough to deserve this? have i not given enough?.. i lost everything, my whole life just went down the drain.. do you know that? do you think that you're alone in this? at least yr parents will help you when you get back, though they scold you they'll help you n the end, but me? what parents do i have? only my mum, and she has to suffer with me, because of me.. i am nothing, i have failed you jas in being there, a thing that i dont think i can forgive myself for letting you go.. day and night i think abt you and what i said to yr mum.. do you know that it hurts me so much to hear darren and alex agree on the same thing, that i shdnt have called yr mum? do you know the pain that i've gone thru hearing what alex said, that he thought it was a stupid thing to do?.. what do i believe in now, my faith?

i wake up every morning thinking of you, sleep every night thinking of you, praying every moment thinking of you.. you said that i'm attached to you, possesive abt you. how? am i? what can i do anymore.. i have flown all the way up there, alone.. and when i was there i was alone, and when i came back, i was even more alone, the plane trip made me smile for awhile, but then i was alone again.. when i reached home that day, the lights were out, mum went to sleep even when i called her at the airport.. am i alone? with everyone else around me, am i not alone?..

all i asked is to have you as a fren. I noe it was yr idea at first, but i cldnt see it, i was all messed up.. but now i asked, and this is what i get? you havent lost anything jas, you havent, so take a look at my life now, it is poured out for everyone to see, may all you who know this not think abt her, but think abt me, because she didnt do this to me, i did it to myself. I cannot ask anyone for more anymore, thank you for all your help, i really appreciate you all being there for me.

i'm alone, so alone right now, but i never told you, because i cldnt think of how much it'll hurt you at this point of time. if u say i didnt think of you, so be it, because only i have the answer to that. My all i have given, and i have nothing now but myself. i am gone, i cannot move on, but its good to see you guys can, i admire you all for that.. my heart is now on the floor, left there.. i'm gona fail already, i noe it, and i'm trying to pick myself up, but i cant, i'm dying, gng down the drain.. but no one knows this..

now you all know what fab feels, what is inside. I am a broken man that gave up his entire self for one girl, because he thought she was worth it. am i blind? only i have the answer to that..pls go study you all, you need to pick up yr books and read it again, it'll save your life.. God only gives you what you can handle, adn i'm barely scraping thru.. but you guys i see, you guys can make it, because i see yr cross isnt as heavy as mine..
i am no more than this as far as i noe..i wish you all All the Best.

frm the heart,
fabian.

2004-11-17T01:20:00.000-08:00

it must be tough for you, to go thru this at this point of time in your life.. i see now clearly that you have to make decisions that will cause you to choose..choices which no one else should make, and yet they are before you.. it is unfair, but yet it is before you....

i have been ignorant of your feelings, therefore i feel that this should go out to you. It is inevitable what it is that you're going thru rite now, but at least know this.... i want to give you what you want, and i will be here no matter what decisions that you make. I cannot be selfish and let you choose me over your mum, though it is what i feel that may or may not be true that you still feel for me, i will respect your decision in whatever it is that you do.. Please please, dont think of this any further than what is written here, because right now i tell you, i have not changed--though i cant still read yr blog because i am still a bit shattered-- i am still the same fab inside that loves his girl jas, and will always find a way to make her happy.. i only ask for you to be happy, no matter what decision you make. take me not for the reason of your unhappiness, but in your times of great joy. I cannot give you anything more already, all that i have i have already given, there isnt much more that i can give except my time and effort, but thru it all, i want you to know.. i will always be with you jas, that is a promise that i will stick by, because my heart cannot fail me...

i miss you jas, the times that we've talked and all, i've missed the most impt person and that is you. Right now, i want you to be happy, so please be happy. I cannot give you anything else more except myself, so pls be happy with the things that i can only give you now, and that is my understanding of what you're in.... i know you think i do not understand, that is a choice that i leave up to you.. but mostly imptly, rmbr.. i will always love you, frm my heart in everyway it can. you will always be my girl, i will never forget you no matter what.. every star i see at night, and every sunflower i see, i will rmbr that you once loved them, and that will always bring a smile, unto my face=)

you'll be in my prayers, always,
yours, fabs.

2004-11-16T20:10:00.000-08:00

i really wish you wld hear me, but it is only a wish. You are my best friend, i did all i cld for you, but yet i'm still here.. i'm alone. you said that you cannot pick yrself up? right now you shd, because this is how i feel, i'm alone..

this is what i feel now---- i am alone. I feel so alone it crumbles me up so much i cant breathe at times. I feel like running, jumping off westin hotel, just to feel the adrenaline rush and thereafter take whatever comes. Yesterday i walked home from sch, trying to run out the pain, but whne i got home it felt the same. I am thinking of jumping, but there isnt a place to go after that, so how? am i left to wander if i jump or if i die now? what will i have left if i do that?.. i have no one now, no one. No one sees me anymore, no one knows me anymore.. the last fren i had knew me, but now she's so far away frm me. what do i have left, anything? i feel that i've let you down, messed up yr life when i thought i'd saved it, and i've messed up my life too. my life wasnt great until i met you, i thank you for that, but right now i'm alone already, i cannot move on already. I'd really really wish you'd love me, as anything, just love me and talk to me, because i cannot take it anymore. I just need you to take care of me, fab.Is that too much to ask of you my friend? i have no one else who understands me, no one else but you. i have tried to open up, but ppl just laugh and raise their eyebrow when i tell them, all but you. Do you know what i feel? did you listen to me? i'm dying jas, slowly im dying.. i cannot run anymore, i have stopped. the only reason why i'm doing this book is because i have faith in you, you can read the story and understand it even without me explaining it to you. alex and darren need me to explain it to them, but you dont. i see that, and tahts my only purpose left, everything of me is gone, everthing.

i have no more, i have lost someone who knows me on this earth. there isnt much to look forward to from now on. i cant move already, if u hear me, come to me, turn to me. all i ask of you is to accept my thank you for all the things you've done for me. thank you very much jas, thank you, you have been my dearest friend.

loving you has been the greatest thing i have done in my life, thank you for your everything.

loving you still,
fabs.

2004-11-16T06:46:00.000-08:00

Its 6.45am today..

i just want you to know, that i'm up today to give you encouragement for your exams thats comin up.. i woke up especially to tell ya that, that i'm here for ya, to be there with you, praying for you. I wish you all the best, you will always be in my heart no matter what. Its like the stars that you've said, only you've given me more; you gave me "me".

i know there isnt much that i can do for you, but at least know that i'm always listening out for ya. I may be heart-broken and lost, but my heart wil have its last fews beats remaining, dedicated to you for yr exams and for being there with you in prayers.. Whatever the situation may be, i will give you my endless support, to the end.. this i promise you.

..It may seem that i'm so far away from you, but let my heart speak for just one minute," i am always with you, i cannot forget you, forget the way you've shown me your love, the way you've cared for me.. the way that you've been there for me..... i am, here for you..whethere you see me or not, i am here."

forgive me, i cannot stop loving you,
lovefabs..

2004-11-15T07:42:00.000-08:00

Innocent.

Mother Teresa said, that the innocent too do suffer, not just those who do injustice that suffer.. Job for instance, was arrowed by Satan too. God saw, and He did see that job had done no wrong but be faithful and had always done good, so why then did He allow it to happen?

because He knew who job was, better than job did himself. And in the end, He prospered and was given a reward many times more than what He had before. No one understands why God allows, and we'll never find out why too, but all we know is that we have to haev trust in our GOd, and that in doing so, He will show us the way.

Always have faith in Your God, He will always be your guide.

youes,
fabs.

PS: thank you for the poem.

2004-11-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

Friends, by Fabs.

A true friend, will stick by you no matter what it is that you go thru, thick or thin it doesnt matter, but they'll still be there, beyond all reasoning, a true friend will always be there for you. The friend may or may not have a reason, but i'm sure the question has hindered him before; What for?.. i guess for myself, the answer has always been that no matter whatever it is that they're gng thru, i will stand with them. No particular reason, because i feel that friendship in itself is already the reason..doesnt matter if i get shot by a bullet of hit by a bull, so long as they're out of the way, i'll get thru it somehow:) and thats enough for me=)

I have found a friend, and i am blessed for that. God, thank you very much for this, forgive me for my iniquities, i have failed to see sometimes, but i do see now what my heart is telling me, to a greater friendship. Thank you Lord, for this friendship that i have is very sweet, and it has made me a stronger, better person than i was before. THank you Lord, very much, for your great gift of Love.

I think, that if a friendship makes you stronger, than that friendship is good. If it builds up character, trust, unity, care, and most imptly willingness to give up what your life for that friend, than i am glad to say, you have found--- A Friend.

Fabs,
Bring a smile around today wherever you go=)

2004-11-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord,

my heart is here, open for you lord. Be it done unto me according to your word. i will accept it. for those who have put their trust in you, you have not failed them. I believe in you lord, that though my heart is in the gallows, it will be saved..

Lord, i hurt lord. The pain is heavy lord, but i will try to shoulder it. It is difficult Lord, but i will try. No one knows right now the pain that i'm gng thru lord, but its alright, i can go thru it..just lose a few broken limbs but i'll be fine lah.. i will try lord, i will try. I havent loved her so much, and given so much, but yet this has to happen lord. Lord, i hurt because i cannot touch her face lord, that i cannot cry and smell her face next to mine..just to wrap my arm around her waist and feel her flesh is all that i ask for, to hold her within my arms and give her anything in the world she wants.. i could go on lord, abt the things that my heart truely desires, but even now i'm hurting because i dont want anyone to think her otherwise because she is not like that. She is lord, the greatest person that i have met lord, at such a young age, great wisdom that has been granted her to be her gift, and how she is truely a girl that has helped me in such a way that i cld have never expected.. She is, the best girlfriend that i cld have ever asked for really, and it came as a blessing one night, when i was about to leave God..God still stood by me in faith, and helped me.

There are many things that i have to say abt her my Lord, and they are things that you already know abt. i know now that you have been gracious to me, kind to me in every way, and thank you lord for everything. Lord, i love this girl very much, very much.. my words cannot express further.

thank you lord,
yr son fabian.

2004-11-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

Honoring the Lord your God.

It takes great faith and believe, to trust in someone. No matter what hardships that come your way, they are only things that He has given you for a good purpose. They are thinigs that simply require only the basics, that you carry thru them. No matter what, it is such so that only one thing may be known; that Someone greater wants to teach you something, so no matter what happens, it'll be good, in everyway.

God is good. He has never failed anyone. Everyone who has trusted in Him will be happy, because His is an asurance that no one else has. The Lord is great, He has opened red seas and given life to babies, so is His power not great?=).. it is us that will have to believe in Him, because He cannot fail use no matter what the situation may be-- He is God, rmbr?=D haha..

I personally like the song by darrel evans," Your Love is Extravagant", its my favourite. In the song it says," Though i'm failing you sometimes, Your Love has never failed me" (its towards the end lah of the song=D) . He puts it simply, that God is ever constant, and that no matter what happens, that no matter what situation you may be in, open up yr heart to Him, He will save you even if you think you have done wrong to Him. Your heart will be held, but the situation will be there.. but rmbr, there is someone else there with you, Jesus. =)

"...when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that i carried you, my child."

yrs,
Fabs

2004-11-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

Mum

I cldnt have asked for more, the best mother and guide that one cld ask for, and yet i made no such request for it and it was still given to me. She's home today, i talked to her and she gave me a few good views on how and what life is abt, how to do things and what to do, why we do them, and what we should do them for. Truely, she has helped me thru everything, she is my role model on this earth, and i hope she will live to see the success that i will show her as her son; but knowing her, thats not what she wants, she's just happy that i'm her son. She told me before, that i've never been any disappointment to her, despite all that i've done and given her is not what a son can give in terms of providing, but all she said is that i didnt do drugs, went to church, teach sunday school, help youth and pray. She said, that thats more impt than anything else, nothing in this world matters, except only me, her son. She was happy, with me, and i'm happy with that.=)

"trust me". The Words of my God, and they are good.

Fabs.

2004-11-04T01:47:00.000-08:00

The Heart, is where the soul lies. Deep within us, lies the answer to all our questions.. Who we are and what we are, lies deep within us, thats where the key to this life is, to first discover ourselves and then, take on life's challenges.

The deal to life would come very easily once we've understood who we are, what we are, and what we can do abt it. Trick is, to actually go abt doing it, positively or negetively, thats up to us..afterall no one said that you 'have' to follow a certain route; its all up to you.. It doesnt take too much effort to go out there and do things, its how far are you willing to go to do those things, whether they are worth it to do those things that demand whatever it is they demand of you. I think, that when you've realised who you are, and what you can and have become, you will see the whole world open up to you once and for all; all its glory will be around you, and you truely will be happy once that has happened..

I was just looking earlier, how a little girl from a very different home, could be accepted into someone else's home just like in the blink of an eye, as if God had planned it for her all this while so that she may indeed, be truely happy. I was shocked at what i saw, for it was very different from what i'd expected, but nonetheless, i was happy, she had found a home.. I think that her life has been found, and not only did she find it, it found her too, and they're pretty happy i'd say:) yahs...

I have found my life too, and it is in the things that i do for the simple reason, that i hope to bring a smile onto people's face when they see something, to help and inspire them, to be there for them. I can only hope, that i've made the lives of the ones around me happy, by living as i shd, for myself and them, becos ultimately, this life is for us all.

I hope i've made you guys happy, and that you'll bring this joy that you've found, and share it with the ones ard you:) take cares yah")

Fabs.

faith.

2004-11-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

i have decided, no more words. Only actions.

My First Blog..

2004-11-02T19:31:00.000-08:00

i am Fabs. Hi everyone, this is gona be where i'll post my new journal entries frm now on, so just have fun yah, stop by and drop me a note if you're free:D Thanks!!

yours,
Fabs.